Do Watch This/Don’t Watch That

A few quick movie thoughts as I’m trying to get myself back in the blogging vein. These are all on the ol’ Netflix service or, I think, you could probably find el-cheapo DVDs.

  • Killer Mermaid. Only if you have a full bottle of whatever alcoholic beverage floats your boat. Er. No pun intended. Really, this is a piece of cheese that, sadly, has some promise flickering around the edges. The effects aren’t half bad and the actress playing the titular beastie does really well. But then there’s the random Melville quotations, what I suspect is very half-assed dubbing, and pointless cleavage shots.
  • Mutant Species. Couldn’t even be buggered finishing it.
  • Lake Dead. Terrible. Inbreeding wasn’t enough so they added on-screen rape. Inbreeding and on-screen rape weren’t enough so they added cannibalism. And you know what? It still isn’t enough.
  • April Fool’s Day. Fun if you’re looking for vintage ’80s horror camp.
  • Venom. I really only watched this with half an eye, so I’m going to be generous and say it would make a fun drinking game. Predict the deaths of the teenagers and win a free shot!
  • House Hunting. Genuinely creepy. Gets the horror from straining human relationships, not gore running down the walls.
  • Neverlake. Beautifully filmed. Atmospheric. The story is a little threadbare at points but you can forgive a lot for a honestly sweet ending.
  • The Chair. My only real problem with this one is the cat food. Watch it and you’ll see what I mean. I don’t care how many dead killer’s spirits are possessing you: if you’re a vegetarian and you cram down that much meat of any kind, you’re gonna wish you were the dead killer possessing someone else.
  • Damien: Omen II. I have to write a longer post about this but the short version is as follows. :ahem: I laughed. My ass. Off.
  • Abandoned Mine. The best way to describe this little piece of unfun nonsense is to say that the lead actor is a poor man’s Tom Welling. Consider that for a moment.
  • The Ouija Experiment. Beyond terrible. The film-makers would have done better to act out the scene with Lego figurines and their cellphone cameras.

And a last two just for kicks…

  • Alien Origin. Fun if you like that sort of thing, real handheld nausea if you don’t. Really, I’d say probably skip this one and go for Monsters instead. There are a couple good atmospheric scenes in this but the latter movie is about ten times stronger.
  • Alien Abduction. This on the other hand — is interesting. I’m not sure why because it shouldn’t be. Every inch of it is predictable but yet it’s somehow satisfying. It’s basically a horror s’more.